5 Most Hilarious Lines In Literature

Classic Literature
Posted on 09/04/2019
Classic Literature5 Most Hilarious Lines In Literature
Alexis Stakem
Staff Writer
22astakem@cvsdstudents.org

Welcome back to my corner of the school newspaper where I discuss literature and 18th century knee pads. It's always a fun time, or at least a mildly enjoyable time. Today I shall be continuing that trend by discussing hilarious lines in classic literature!

Now, I know everyone might be thinking, “Ugh! I hate classic literature. Those books are musty and make my allergies kick in. I hate all books, actually. In fact, I hate paper and trees. I've started a petition to destroy all of the trees by burning them (which is simply an attempt to bring the “Pro-Global Warming Movement” to my school), and I would really appreciate if you were kind enough to sign it.”

Sure books may be dusty, old, and decrepit, and sure, some of them are boring (cough, cough The Old Man and the Sea), but some are knee-slapping hilarious. These jokes may be wrapped in the curse that is known as Middle English, but do not fear, for I am here to unravel these seemingly clever jokes and explain why the most deadly disease in the 18th century was laughter ( also, side note: the number one lifesaver was knee pads). Because as everyone knows: nothing makes a joke better than explaining it.

5. “There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.”

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S Lewis
Perhaps, if it were just Clarence, I could give old Louie here a pass, but instead he made the conscious decision to throw Eustace in there for some god forsaken reason. I can only assume, using my vast understanding of the human psyche, that someone hurt C.S deeply, and this was his way of combating his pain.

Maybe his editor said, “Hey Louie, could you possibly title your book something less pretentious? Because right now we are bordering on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind levels of pretentious, and after we cross that border, there’s no going back. We would just fall deeper and deeper into the abyss and soon we will start to think that climate change is real and that we should actually stop using plastic straws, but we still continue to eat avocados, which cause a lot of harm, if not more, to the environment, but what can we do—they are just so trendy.

Anyway, if you could remove your obnoxiously vegan leather peacoat, realize the you peaked with The Chronicles of Narnia, and come up with a title that does not seem like a bunch of random nouns and adjectives strung together, that would be great. Thanks.” Thus, Eustace Clarence Scrubb was born. However, while I do give C.S major petty points, it is still a no from me, chief.

4. “Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as man lacking more distinction than all the rest, and people were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.”

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
First off, I feel obligated to inform the audience that this line is a parody of one of the most famous lines from Shakespeare’s play, Twelfth Night. Everyone knows Twelfth Night, right? On the off chance someone stumbles upon this article and does not know Twelfth Night, allow me to explain. There is love square (very Shakespearean), cross dressing, and a shipwreck, all in all, the perfect recipe for miscommunication, major repercussions, and certainly, some wacky shenanigans.

The line from Twelfth Night, instead of talking about mediocrity, talks about greatness. Some believe thrust means that the universe decides that the individual is deserving of greatness, or in Catch-22’s case, mediocrity and gives it to them. However, I am here to break the innocence of many and inform the public that that is not what thrust means. I cannot explicitly say what it means, but I can say it has nothing to do with the universe.

3. “The building was on fire, and it wasn’t my fault.”

Blood Rites (The Dresden Files #6) by Jim Butcher
Now I have yet to set a building on fire, but as my kindergarten teacher once said: anything is possible if one puts their mind to it (do not worry—I was just mentioning the phrase, not insinuating I have an arson scheme up my sleeve). That isn’t to say that this is unlikely to happen, especially when one accounts for my alarming forgetfulness when it comes to daily routines.

I have enough trouble remembering to turn off my iron and hairdryer, so not to alarm anyone but setting buildings on fires could possibly—nay definitely be in my future. Thus, please prepare for my upcoming series: Locked Up For Accidental Arson: A Teen’s Tale.

2. “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”

Jingo by Terry Pratchett

Ok, So Maybe My Crimes Are Not So Accidental Anymore. Maybe I Meant To Set That Man On Fire. Sue Me, Actually Do Not Bother Suing Me, I Am Serving 15 Years To Life. Which Seems A Bit Excessive For Kind Of Slightly Partially Moderately Somewhat Relatively Not So Accidental Arson: A Teen’s Tale.

1. “If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdhasdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.”

Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid by Lemony Snicket
Erahiovujiprvohiofevhiodwfoihewf0[i (Editor's Note: Sorry, I seemed to have face palmed the keyboard. Karatekas came to my house in the middle of the night to arrest me. I know what the peanut gallery is thinking: my online persona does not scream karate master, but trust me, I have the skills of a 70 year old karate master—think Mr. Miyagi but with less bonsai and more fyhi4uvnlhsaskd1gha.) On a separate note, Snicket, sir we do not speak in brackets.


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