Everything Wrong With Hamlet

Everything Wrong With Hamlet
Posted on 09/11/2019
Everything Wrong With HamletEverything Wrong With Hamlet
Alexis Stakem
Staff Writer
22astakem@cvsdstudents.org

Hamlet somehow manages to be both insightful and absurd at the same time. This is largely due to the fact that Shakespeare had a son named Hamnet. No, not Hamlet. Hamnet. Why someone would name their child this cursed word masquerading as a name is beyond me. The only logical explanation is that one night Shakespeare was out on the town drinking something that suspiciously resembled water, when him and one of his buddies decide to strike up a bet: whoever could write the more mind boggling novel or play gets to name the other’s child.

Shakespeare wrote Hamlet and James Joyce (yes, he is actually a time lord, who served as the original inspiration for Dr. Who) wrote Ulysses, in which one quote contains seventeen commas, an ellipsis, the word endlesnessnessness, and four different variations of the word soar. Thus, Hamnet was born. Even though sources cannot confirm this, I believe that Hamnet immediately wanted to set himself on fire, Ms. Havisham style.

Shakespeare did lose the bet, but not without jam-packing this masterpiece with so many absurdities it is awe-inspiring. There are pirate attacks, curtain genocide, boxing matches inside of graves, copius amounts of skull touching, ghosts, and a duel, in which not one person dies, but four. So without further ado let us jump into the play that can only be described as absurd, and its main character as emo.

Hamlet Attempts To Flirt
In Act 2, Scene 1 of Hamlet, Hamlet’s ex-lover, Ophelia, enters and tells her father, Polonius, something quite unnerving. Apparently, Hamlet came into her room late at night, grabbed her by the wrist, and stared at her. Oh Hamlet, always a romantic. Despite this affectionate gesture being the peak of couple goals, it also furthers my own personal theory that Hamlet is actually Peter Pan. Think about it: they both break into girls’ bedrooms, and who knows? Maybe Peter Pan caressed a skull once.

Hamlet Kills A Partially Innocent Bystander
At the beginning of Act 3, Scene 3, Hamlet is going to speak to his mother because to a half baked scheme, Hamlet now believes he has solid evidence that his uncle killed his father. However, and the audience will be shocked to know this, Hamlet has proven nothing except that murder makes people uncomfortable (unbelievable). Despite the fact that the evidence shows Hamlet and Gertrude's (Hamlet's mother) conversation going very well, things head off the rails quite quickly.

Hamlet, now armed with what he believes is evidence begins to fire off accusations, and in a fit of rage begins to stab his mother's curtains. This man—this man right here—just stabbed unarmed, innocent curtains. A man who just accused another of murder unleashed violence on the most innocent object in the room. What a perfect example of sanity. Now besides the curtain maker, who will be distraught at the fact that their life work has been destroyed, Polonius also has reason to be upset for he has just been murdered. Polonius was hiding behind the curtain because he was acting as a spy for Claudius (Hamlet's uncle).

The Never Before Seen Pirate Attack (Really, It’s Never Been Seen Before)
While Hamlet is en route to England (Claudius is sending him there to be murdered, so that Hamlet cannot expose him for murdering Hamlet's father. Who would have guessed? Hamlet was right! He is still insane though, that part hasn't changed.) when all of sudden pirates attack his ship. Finally, one might think after pages and page brooding and existential nihilism, we are getting some action. Well, am I excited to disappoint everyone.

The pirate attack does not actually take place on stage, the audience learns about it through a letter Hamlet sends Horatio (Hamlet's best friend). One can only assume that is because Shakespeare is one of those writers, whose vision is exact and would not allow any compromises to be made. Imagine if the pirate ship could only be fourteen feet, but Shakespeare imagined it to be twenty, the consequences would be insurmountable.


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