Do You Even Villain, Bro

Posted on 01/25/2019

Alexis Stakem
Staff Writer
[email protected]

At best, villains are sociopathic, world-terrorizing nihilists that kill no less than 20,000 people and make those who are unlucky enough to survive go hide in the underground bunkers they bought when the Mayans predicted the end of the world.

At worst, villains would have great difficulty scaring a herd of blind, deaf, and freshly tipped cows. People would be surprised by how many iconic villains would struggle with cow tipping—or even something petty, like being an avid supporter of games that slaughter innocent children. Which is why today the worst villains, and in this case worst means so incredibly bad at their jobs it makes Woody from Toy Story look like the antichrist, will be getting rekted by dad jokes and terrible sarcastic wit.

Voldemort- Harry Potter

Voldemort is quite possibly one of the most untalented villains in existence. Yes, this is a bold claim, but it’s true. Harry was a baby, Voldemort—A BABY! No fancy murder spell was necessary; all that was necessary was a Tide Pod and someone to sneak into the house and place it in Harry’s hand. If anyone on Team Voldemort was courageous enough, they could have filmed Harry eating it and put it on YouTube. Or literally anything else would have worked, goshdarnit Voldemort. Babies are one of the most clueless creatures alive—simply sitting Harry in a field of grass and daisies would have worked.

The Phantom- The Phantom Of The Opera

The Phantom does deserve credit for successfully luring Christine to the basement for the ever popular date of creepy singing lessons in the basement and being the 19th century version of a stage mom. He is on this list because of how he acts towards the end. The Phantom lets Raoul (Christine’s other love interest, who is tremendously kind and helps her grow as a person *throws up*) escape.

After the escape Raoul and Christine get married and the Phantom dies of heartbreak. This is just tremendously disappointing since villains are supposed to be brooding and selfish creatures, who mercilessly rip out the lungs of their enemies. The Phantom, however, forgets this, and lets Raoul escape and marry Christine, which allows them to live a happy life together. and who the heck in their right mind does that?

Also, another key issue is that the Phantom dies of heartbreak, which might just be the lamest thing to die from, and that is including old age. Come on Phantom—where’s the deep black void in place of where your heart should be? The Phantom isn’t even a real man, but if he was, he would have tried harder to make Christine wish the sweet release of death would visit her soon—and he certainly would not have worn that stupid cape. He also should have done something with plaid; things would have definitely turned out differently if the Phantom had done something with plaid.

Iago- Othello

This is a man who would do great in Vegas because his luck is unbelievable. First Iago tells Othello that his wife, Desdemona, is cheating on him with man named Cassio. However, no evidence is produced, and Iago simply tells Othello that his wife is cheating on him and Othello believes him… for some unknown reason.

Later, Othello overhears Iago and Cassio talking about Cassio’s mistress, who isn’t Desdemona; however Othello fails to hear the mistress’ name and assumes it is Desdemona. So it’s pretty obvious Iago is not some evil mastermind playing intricate mind games on Othello—he just got lucky that Othello’s head is as thick as a ham and he has the hearing capabilities of 98 year old.

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