Are You Dating A Vampire

Are You Dating a Vampire
Posted on 03/07/2019
Dating a VampireHow To Know If You’re Dating A Vampire
Alexis Stakem
Staff Writer
[email protected]

If teen dramas have taught people anything it’s that 30 year-olds cannot convincingly play teens and anyone who dates in high school has an 100 percent chance of dating a tall, personality deprived vampire. Seriously guys, it’s an epidemic.

They Are Inexplicably Wealthy

It’s kind of weird actually, their parents don’t even work. They just sit in the library whispering hushed sentences about their tragic past, lust for blood, and their overbearing desire to rid the world of people who stand in their way, which just shows that their mother has been overly involved in the PTA.

They Are Able To Scale Walls

Hold on tight spider monkey.

They Don’t Have A Reflection

This is all sorts of disappointing because couples mirror selfies are all the rage right now.

They Know Everything About Dead, Slightly Interesting People

They seem to know everything about everyone. Marie Antoinette? She actually hated cake, and instead favored bread pudding. Benjamin Franklin? Made the first prototype of the lint roller, but instead of using tape, used maple syrup, which if thought about long enough is the more logical choice. Napoleon Bonaparte? He was actually six feet tall, but chose to appear smaller to fulfill his lifelong dream of being a dwarf.

They Are Weaker In Sunlight

Weaker isn’t the exact word the significant others of vampires would use, but every time they are within the vicinity of sunlight they pass out and have to regain energy by drinking suspicious looking red juice.

They Enter Your House In A Slightly Over Dramatic Fashion

Every time they open a door, there is always an inexplicable darkness behind them, ominous fog, a swarm of bats flies out of a nonexistent cave, they are wearing a black cape, and their teeth are unbelievably red, which is odd, but not too concerning. However, if there were music, particularly cheesy 80’s music, and even more specifically Bonnie Tyler’s "Total Eclipse of The Heart," that’s when signs are all too clear, your SO is cosplayer.

They Sleep During the Day

Honestly, it’s kind of becoming a burden, sneaking out into the misty mountains of Canada just isn’t as exciting as it used to be.

They Are Uncomfortable About Garlic

Which could pose an issue when the vampire learns his/her significant other’s parents own a chain of good Italian restaurants because let’s be real Olive Garden in mediocre at best.

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