Literary Characters Spend Winter Break
Alexis Stakem
Staff Writer
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Who wants to spend winter break sledding, decorating gingerbread houses, and drinking gallons of hot chocolate? The answer? No one. Society’s pitiful Christmas tree decorating tradition is put to shame by the eerie, disturbing, and downright depressing traditions of classic literature characters. Not convinced? Just take a look at some of the most popular ones: sitting in abject guilt and isolation, avoiding creepy third cousins who are under mistletoe because they only want to kiss their cousins, and throwing overly elaborate holiday parties in hopes that a girl, who will eventually commit vehicular manslaughter, will randomly show up (since no one ever actually invited her). So, without further ado let’s take a look at the classic literary characters crazy winter breaks, and in this case crazy means sad and upsetting. Seriously, half these characters spend winter break crying because they are dealing with the fact that they murdered three children and weaponized a bunch of eight-year-olds.
Jack Merridew-
Lord of the Flies
After becoming a sociopathic pig- and child-murderer while on the island, Jack was forced the cope with his bloodthirsty actions after he was rescued. Over winter break Jack will holed up in his room wishing he was back on the island where there are no consequences for his actions and where his crazy spear-wielding skills were described as godlike. Sadly, he won’t be attending any holiday parties, which is quite disappointing because his pig murder dance would have been all the rage.
Mr. Rochester-
Jane Eyre
During winter break, Mr. Rochester is planning a pretty big surprise for his beloved, Jane. He’s quite nervous because this is a big commitment and there is no turning back after he does this. Oh—was everyone thinking it was a proposal? Because that would be wrong—dead wrong. He’s actually revealing the existence of his insane first wife, Bertha, who stabbed her own brother and bit Mr. Rochester. Also, (guess what—the surprises just keep on coming!), Bertha lives in t Mr. Rochester’s attic, in the same house Jane previously worked in and now lives in Mr. Rochester is certain this won’t send Jane running for the hills and it’s pretty obvious he’s correct. What woman doesn’t want their ex’s crazy, hostile first wife living in the attic?
Jay Gatsby-
The Great Gatsby
After taking the fall for his lover’s vehicular manslaughter, Jay Gatsby has been a bit on edge. So, this winter break, Gatsby will be teaching courses down at the DMV. Sure, it’s not as luxurious as being a supposed bootlegger or having an affair with one of the most beautiful girls in town, but after witnessing someone accidentally murder someone else, Gatsby has taken an oath to make the road safer. Unless, Daisy, the girl he was having affair with, comes back to West Egg and announces she never loved her husband, Tom (therefore, erasing the last five years) and that she wants to run away with Gatsby. She and Tom, who is sexist and racist (way to hit the jackpot there, Daisy) ran away because they almost had to face consequences of committing vehicular manslaughter and breaking Jay Gatsby’s heart.
Mr. Darcy-
Pride and Prejudice
This winter break Mr. Darcy is going to stumble through one of the worst gosh darn proposals ever spoken. During this proposal Mr. Darcy will say that he’s slightly disgusted with himself for liking someone so poor, but understands and is willing to make the sacrifice of marrying her. He also explains that marrying her is the only way to get rid of the disgust because after she marries him, she will no long be poor. Which is a little bit reasonable since everyone knows that being poor is disgusting and shameful. Mr. Darcy also takes this opportunity to insult her family, which is a genius move because women love it when men say their families are a disgrace to English society. So, there it is—if anyone out there is a man looking to propose to during winter don’t forget to mention how poor she is, insult her family, say that you are doing a her a favor by marrying her, and, most importantly, if she rejects you tell her that her poorness should have caused her to die of shame.